Money. (I love you.)

valentine heart shape made by dollars isolatedok money, it’s safe to come back.

You know, I never really stopped loving you.

It’s true.  You have been mistreated.

I abused you. I can’t even imagine how you feel.

I used you to buy “rare” pokemon cards when the kids were little and I bought rental properties in 2005! and again in 2007!  Yes, we did spend a lot of time at the indoor water parks, but you know, we all needed the break. I mean, sure, we paid the amount required for an African Safari, but the kids got to pet a baby tiger by a pool! How many people get to do that?

I’ve learned my lesson. I won’t ever take you for granted again.

And I swear, I won’t buy anything else made by a child laborer! Those five dollar T-shirts were a bargain, but even the cutest, cheapest crap will no longer lead me astray, I promise!

I know I’ve been ignoring you, but now that I am staring into the vast abyss of my latter decades without you, I realize that I really messed up.

I want you back.

I promise, if you find your way to my wallet again, I will keep you safe and happy.  I just now got rid of all the crumpled up receipts (and the coffee punch card from 2008!).

There’s plenty of room.

I’ll take good care of you.  You’ll have a proper home.

I will keep track of you, and make sure that you’re safe. I swear, I will never crumple you up and throw you in the bottom of my purse again. Even change will have a nice place to live, instead of languishing in the mess in my backpack.

Fine. I’ll keep track of my debits, but don’t blame me when the people in line get mad. I mean, a financial transaction shouldn’t take more than a second! Nobody needs to think about what they’re spending!

I can’t be a good consumer if I don’t keep consuming!  I’m just trying to help.

Maybe a jar in my cabinet is not the best place for a retirement account, but it is tax-free.

Well, my  ADHD is under control now. Plus, I really needed a new bluetooth ear piece every one of the hundred times I lost one!

The people at Best Buy like me just fine.

Honestly,  I’ll even use a computer program to track you if you want.

Yes,  I’ll open the mail right away! I’ll send you wherever you need to go!


Do I really need to figure out why apple has been removing five dollars and ninety nine cents a month from my bank account for the past two decades? Listen, they only have 178 billion dollars in cash!  They need you too!

Apple pays people well!  I mean, I think the I phone factory workers earn 283 dollars a month! They could buy an iPhone with that! That’s a big wage for those countries!

You know, they are paying a hefty 2% on all that money in Ireland! How much do you want to from that poor company?

I do too use the health club!

Well, yes, but my coffee pods are super handy. People love them when they visit.

I know.

The coffee ends up costing me about 40 dollars a pound and sure, the discarded pods are not recyclable.  If they were laid end to end, they would circle the globe more than 10 times, but I only use some of them. I mean, I’m not responsible for that mess!

I swear I will not take you for granted like I did when I used you for instant teeth whitening.

(although that WAS pretty important)

No, I will not break up with technology for you, or my hairdresser! I am NOT giving up highlights! I need my flat white in the morning! 30 percent? I can’t save that much! My goodness, how much do you want from me?

Look, I don’t want to fight anymore. Just come over here, lay down in my bank account, and relax.

shhhh…don’t worry, just sleep ( I’m just taking a little bit of you out for dinner tonight. I really need to relax. I mean, I’ve been so worried about you-you’ve been gone for quite a long time!)

mi casa es su casa.

(I’m just gonna sneak into TJ Maxx after dinner…hmm… those yoga pants seem awfully practical-maybe they were made by adults who were paid well.  C’mon, money, work with me.)

….You’re still awake?

oh please.

Do we really need to have this conversation now?

How much have I paid for health insurance in my lifetime?  I don’t know. Maybe a trillion dollars? But it was worth it.  I used it three times, I think. I mean, where would I have come up with the 3 thousand dollars I needed for those services?  I am not moving somewhere where health care is for everyone! That’s stupid!

ok, ok, OK.

I will consider moving to a place that treats you better.

Oh come on, you want me to participate in the political process?

Please.  I don’t have time for that.

I have a teeth bleaching appointment.  Whoops, no, no I didn’t say that. I’m going to a financial planner, just like I said I would! Please, don’t leave me again! Come back!

I really miss you, money. Please come back to me, soon.





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